My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.