I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”