I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
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Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?