God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
work smarter, not harder
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
moms in horror movies
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?