I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
that wasn’t the question
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights