It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My flabber has been gasted.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.