If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I have many caverns
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I like long walks away from everyone
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
that wasn’t the question
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen