my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
White parent Vs Arab parents
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.