I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?