Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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