Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.