Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Seas the day!!!!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.