i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Put the is in disheveled
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I think about this a lot
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
sigh
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.