[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.