Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.