Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.