A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”