me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
somebody come look at this
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
This trial is so absurd 😭
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please