I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.