Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.