Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food