The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector