I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Employees must applaud the planets.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan