[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
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I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.