I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.