falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*