May have had one breakfast too many
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway