We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The pen is writier than the sword.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…