Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Kermit goes Blue.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ugh not again
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.