*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
his wife is probably gonna see that
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]