[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You Might Also Like
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
How to woo a woman
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.