Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Think I pulled my liver
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*