I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.