Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
shampoo implies shampee
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks