LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.