The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.