Ladies, why y’all do this?
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”