Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I hate my earbuds.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
this country is so goddamn polarized