Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
#TopTip
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police