Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.