Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
this came to me in a vision
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement