“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
This was my dad’s browser history.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I have a black belt in leather
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.