Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.