It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol