sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Here’s a meme
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter