Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
The first one, obviously
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.