too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Home is where your toilet is.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Squirrels before girls.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted