my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
You Might Also Like
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
oh you wanna fight?!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.