White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
wish me luck lads
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.