Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.